Canada’s History | Facebook

Details: big ice sheet, population: 0


Hardy Indigenous peoples walk across a treacherous land bridge to Turtle Island. Wimpy Europeans wait 30,000 years until tall ships are built.

New group created: Colonizers. Britain and France join.

1535:   Indigenous youths tell French explorer Jacques Cartier about the route to “kanata,” a Huron-Iroquois word meaning “village.” The name sticks.

1754: Britain and France duke it out. Seven years later, Britain wins. Britain writes on France’s timeline: “Suckers, but we still like you.” Offers olive branch to French-speakers and Indigenous peoples allowing for language and land rights under British sovereignty. In reality, Britain is on a quest for world domination with no Jedis to shut that down.

New group created: Loyalists. Acadians and New Englanders join.

1776: America declares independence from Britain. Britain resists. Seven years later, America wins. Since then, Canada sleeps beside this elephant. Occasionally interesting, mostly kind of just uncomfortable.

1812: America fights Canada. Canada wins, although some Americans disagree. Canada writes on America’s timeline: “Losers.”

♥ It’s complicated with America

1867: Canadian confederation. Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia are in. Canada writes on Britain’s timeline: “We’ve got this covered.” Forgets to declare independence. Oops.

1873: Forerunner to RCMP established. Distinctive red uniforms make good Halloween costumes.

1885: Transcontinental railway completed. Beavers, Canada’s largest rodent and CPR’s first logo, are literally everywhere.

1920: Group of Seven forms, and challenges the artistic establishment of the time. Not to be confused with Snow White’s short, beardy pals.

1950s: Poutine invented when a Quebecer needs to dump extra cheese curds somewhere. No one else really knows about or gets this, including a majority of Canadians.

1956: Canada initiates Peacekeeping. Would have been useful 25 years earlier to subdue panic of a Martian invasion caused by the radio broadcast of “The War of the Worlds.”

New group created: Great Canadian Flag Debaters. House of Commons joins.

1964: Following fierce Conservative opposition and a longwinded filibuster, the Maple Leaf flag voted in in the dead of night.

New group created: Universal Heath Care. All Canadians join. America comments: “Whoa, are you insane?”

1982: The Charter of Rights and Freedoms is passed. PM pirouettes behind the Queen. Forgets to declare independence. Again.

1987: Free Trade Agreement with America.

♥ In a relationship with America, although not sure for how much longer.

1988-1995: Sovereignty for Quebec rejected three times. Quebec writes on Canada’s timeline: “Stuck in the Middle with You.

2005: Same-sex marriage legislation passes. Canada updates its status to: “Endless Love.”

2012: Maple syrup theft reveals a mafia-like cartel deep in Quebec. Sounds dangerous, but then again, this is Canada.

2016: Canadians’ overwhelming response to the return of the long-form census briefly crashes CRA’s website. Canada updates its status to: “You’re welcome. 

2017: Canada celebrates turning 150. Not all Indigenous peoples are feeling it.

Details: Roll up the rim, prolific apologies, refugee hub, population: 35 million